Weekend at Bernie’s (1989) – It’s good to see a comedy that holds up well. And not just for me; I watched it with my wife and teenage daughter, and all were laughing. Kudos to the unappreciated Terry Kiser, who managed to pull off being dead with surprising nuance.
Ashfall (2019) – A good blockbustery South Korean film. When a dormant volcano on the border of North and South Korea becomes not-so-dormant, a maverick volcanologist convinces the South Korean government that the only way to relieve the pressure and save the whole peninsula is to detonate a nuke in an abandoned mine shaft at the mountain’s root before the third magma pocket detonates.
Problem: South Korea has no nukes.
Solution: North Korea has a few which they’re handing off to the U.S. in a gesture of goodwill this week.
Problem: Neither North Korea or the Americans want to share.
Solution: A covert mission across the border.
Problem: No one in South Korea knows where the nukes are.
Solution: Bust their captured double agent out of a North Korean prison so he can lead them.
Problem: The covert mission is in two halves, commandos and explosives experts, on two plans. Volcanic ash in the air brings both planes down just over the North Korean border, and none of the commandos survive. So now the leader of the explosives team also has to direct the commando mission of getting the double agent out of prison, getting them to the nuke site, removing the fissionable material from the warheads and into their custom detonator, and getting everything down into the mine shaft before the ticking clock expires… while avoiding North Korean troops, American troops, and the Chinese mob that the double agent is trying to sell the nukes to.
And to top it off, the competent-but-slightly-goofy head explosives expert has a pregnant wife trying to make it out of South Korea before the peninsula is obliterated. (This last may be just a teeny bit of overkill.)
The Pirates Who Don’t Do Anything: A VeggieTales Movie (2008) – Pretty underwhelming for VeggieTales, really. There’s no reason to rename the characters (they’re not doing a biblical story or anything), the “pirate-themed restaurant” really doesn’t work, and there’s not really a Christian moral here; it’s more of a wishy-washy “stand up and be a hero” generic theme. (On the other hand, there are carnivorous cheez puffs. So there’s that.)
Abandoned movies:
Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine (1965) – It keeps trying to be funny. It’s not.
Doc West (2009) – Hey, guess what? Terence Hill, who made his career performing in Italian and being dubbed into English, can’t act in English.
Bloodfist VIII: Hard Way Out (1996) – Even for a Bloodfist flick, this one defies story logic and common sense with willful aplomb. And I certainly hope that that’s the worst haircut Don “The Dragon” Wilson ever sported.
Alien Siege (2005) – A movie which makes a big deal of “American culture’s reaction to a rapacious alien invasion” probably shouldn’t look so much like it was short in Bulgaria, which it was.
Cobra Woman (1944) – Maria Montez was gorgeous, but I had to bail right when the queen of the uncontacted South Seas cobra cult strides around in strappy high heels.
The Deadly Spawn (1983) – The best thing about this is the creature design. Fortunately, they show the creature early, plus we’ve got an interne full of pics; no reason to watch the rest of it!