Movies Seen Recently: War of the God Monsters, The Woman in Black, The Slime People

War of the God Monsters (1985) – A “lost” kaiju film made in South Korea, this movie boasts two almost unrelated storylines:

• A scientist who’s been ridiculed for his theory about prehistoric monsters soon to awaken has moved to a remote town with his pre-school daughter while he conducts his “research” (which seems to be wandering aimlessly over hills and shoreline).  A reporter girl, tasked with a follow-up profile on the scientist, pretends to be the newly ordered maid and insinuates themselves into their lives.
• Unrelated kaiju footage (sourced mainly from the TV series Return of Ultraman, according to the IMDb).

And that’s it. The town in which the scientist has settled is eventually attacked by the kaiju, but it’s not like he saves the day or anything; his family just happens to be among the victims fleeing the attack. But hey, at least he finds a new woman in his life — that’s something, right?

If watching old, cheap, repurposed kaiju footage isn’t a sufficient appeal for you, the only other redeeming characteristic is the adorable little girl playing the scientist’s daughter. Her “sad face” is about the cutest thing ever.

The Woman in Black (2012) – Daniel Radcliffe (was he already playing adults in 2012?) is a young widower barrister in Victorian England, sent to settle the affairs of a deceased widow in a remote village where everyone just wants the outsider to go away and won’t say why. (Spoiler: A curse and a ghost.)

There’s absolutely nothing new here, and it’s better that way.  Haunted house stories are iconic, and knowing in general how the story must go is part of the dread, because the characters DON’T know they’re in a haunted house story.  Trying to do something “new” and “different” would negate the classic ghost story’s ability to set its hooks deep in our reptile brains.

The Slime People (1963) – There’s absolutely no delay in showing the man-in-suit monster here — it appears in the opening credits, before we’re introduced to any of the so-called characters.

This is star Robert Hutton’s (a “that guy” actor who played supporting roles for four decades) sole starring role, as well as his sole credit in the director’s chair.   He’s the man-of-action sportscaster who, along with a creaky old professor, his two nubile daughters, and a random marine, take on the subterranean slime people who have gotten all of the other people and built an impenetrable wall (of fog-machine fog) around the whole town. Only manliness and technobabble can save them now!

The most surprising part? There are actually THREE slime people costumes in play here — I had assumed that we were just seeing one over and over.