The Relic (1997) – I have not read the novel by Douglas Preston and Lincoln Child that this movie was based on, but I’m familiar enough with Preston & Child’s work to know that they characteristically include a veneer of plausibility to even the most outlandish premises (usually by meticulous, almost numbing research details — also known as “The Crichton Maneuver”). When you reduce the 400+-page novel to a two-hour movie, that plausibility is one of the first casualties. You end up with an inciting incident which is never really explained, biotechnobabble that comes across as patently ridiculous, unconvincing CGI of a creature which from behind looks like Mr. Snuffleupagus, and sooo much murky footage… of a closed museum… and the basement storage/offices beneath it… and the forgotten tunnels beneath THAT… that watching the VHS release must have been pure torture.
Of particular note, and not in a good way, is the manner in which the creature has mastered Offscreen Teleportation to a degree that would make Jason Voorhees hang his head in shame. In one sequences in which three scenes are edited to happen simultaneously, the creature is tracking scientists through the basement levels, while also stalking museum donors (underwater!) in the buried tunnels, AND falling through the frickin’ skylight into the museum’s main atrium. I suspected that there would be an awkward last-minute reveal that there were actually TWO creatures, but no.
What About Bob? (1991) – I’ve had this one quoted at me for decades, so I finally broke down and watched it. Bill Murray brings his “endearingly insane manchild” act, and Richard Dreyfuss does “white male cerebral authoritarian.” If I were a psychiatrist, though, I hope I would have educated my family enough that when I say, “Do not engage that man socially, he’s a patient of mine,” they’d listen.
Dreyfuss becomes a less sympathetic character when he enters full-on “Herbert Lom on the Pink Panther movies” mode (hey, Lom’s character’s name? “Dreyfus!” Coincidence? I THINK NOT!!!), and the ending seems more constructed to kind of mitigate that instead of to give a dramatically satisfying conclusion, but hey.
Firewalker (1986) – I think I probably enjoyed this more when I first saw it, thirtyish years ago. The plot stops making any sort of sense about twenty minutes in, and people just act stupid for the sake of moving the non-plot along. (And let us not speak of ancient Aztecs using a shiny steel knife.) On the other hand, Chuck Norris and Lou Gossett Jr. actually make a pretty good combination as unlucky mercenary buddies, and of course many many people get the roundhouse kicks they deserve. Probably deserves a regular once-every-thirty-years viewing.