The Burrowers (2008) – The Searchers meets Tremors: A posse quickly forms to pursue and rescue a family of settlers supposedly abducted by Indians, but as they try to track their quarry, they find that it ain’t Indians they’re after…
This kind of movie was the biggest casualty of the collapse of DVD rental: A $7 million midlist feature, competently made and with at least one recognizable actor (Clancy Brown), with competent CGI and no obvious strictures caused by budgetary constraints. It’s a good, solid story, not “explosive” enough to carry a genre theatrical release but not so slipshod that it needs to excuse itself by being “ironic” camp.
Saltwater Atomic Shark (2016) – I don’t know that “Saltwater” really needs to be there, as most sharks are saltwater fish. At least they didn’t go with Saltwater Atomic Shark Which Breathes Water and Also Has Fins.
It’s obviously a cookie-cutter monster shark movie for SyFy, complete with a couple of shopworn “names” in supporting roles (Jeff Fahey and David Faustino), but at least the screenwriters were having fun — there are clever digs at social media influencers and celebrity cooking shows, and gags about the normal “obligatory love story” subplot. Also, Rachel Brooke Smith playing the female lead lifeguard has a lifeguard’s body, not a bikini model’s.
Clockwise (1986) – John Cleese is a headmaster who prides himself on meticulous punctuality. So naturally, on the most important day of his career when he’s supposed to give a speech as the incoming chair of a headmaster’s conference, everything goes absolutely wrong.
It’s not immortal cinema — it’s basically John Cleese being another Basil Fawlty character — but it’s an hour and a half of John Cleese getting frustrated, which isn’t the worst way to spend the time.
Abandoned movies:
Calling All Earthlings (2018) – A good, informative documentary could be made about 1950s contactee George Van Tassel. Instead, we get the modern non-informative kind of documentary, with meandering footage and no real point.
A Feral World (2020) – Nope. Couldn’t make it past the first scene of bad CGI layered on bad CGI, which the filmmakers were obviously so proud of.
Transmorphers (2007) – I’ve had several online interactions with writer/director Leigh Scott. I like him. He’s a good guy. I’ve even quite enjoyed some of the movies he’s made. This one, however, sucks monkey balls in the first ten minutes.
Scorched Earth (2018) – Gina Carano plays a bounty hunter in a post-apocalyptic spaghetti western. Range! I appreciated the cold Vancouver shooting locations (a good contrast to the standard “the world has become Australia” look), and I loved the costuming, but the script was arbitrary and predictable, and Carano’s acting was JUST SO BAD. She must have gotten a good acting coach for The Mandolorian.
Incoming (2018) – Seriously, people. It’s no more expensive to shoot a well-written script than to shoot a shoddy one.
Asterix and Obelix: Mission Cleopatra (2002) – I dearly love the comics, but it’s just not as funny when all the comedy is in subtitles.
re: Asterix — But, but…Monica Belucci in a Cleopatra outfit!
re: Incoming — I love Scott Adkins. He’s a solid B-movie actor, an excellent martial artist, and he has a great Youtube channel, “Art of Action”, where he interviews all sorts of people involved in the MA genre. The IMDB reviews suggest that this is a general dud, even from the POV of his fans. Some people called the choreography “old hat,” which I wonder what they meant. It looks like 70s KF movies? It looks like 80s Jackie Chan movies? It looks like a Van Damme film?
This was the first Adkins movie I tried to watch, but it was insanely stupid long before it even got to him.
Well, you can safely assume that Carano’s Mandalorian and SW days are behind her now, that’s fersure. She’s been cancelled for having opinions.
Not just for having opinions, for not sharing The Mouse’s opinions.