See, I didn’t get even that far to know most of that stuff about the plot. I think I made it fifteen minutes.

Hirokin: The Last Samurai aka Hirokin: The First Rebellion aka O Último Samurai – Okay, this movie can be summed up by the following equation: Six-String Samurai – Music References + Star Wars references – cool + suck. Like that other movie, here you have a pastiche of different themes: Star Wars, chambara and Hong Kong films, a fertile woman subplot that feels like a test-run for the recent Mad Max film, and Gladiator. Only the final result is a boring mess of suck.

On a planet we may refer to as Not-Tatooine, there’s a race of superhumans known as the “Arids” (or perjoratively as “Gigs”). The human race arrived at the planet at some point, but they feared the Arids’ ability to see the future seconds before it happened, so they embarked on a campaign to wipe out the Arids. Now the planet is ruled by Gryphon (Julian Sands), a human who likes to enslave Arids and force them to participate in gladiator-like combat while shtupping as many Arid women as possible in order to produce an heir. There’s a wandering human named Hirokin (Wes Bentley) who falls in love with Terra, one of the last fertile Arids. They have a child, but the two are kidnapped and Hirokin must train with Obi-Wan Kenobi/Morpheus (Angus MacFadden), who’ll teach him Tai Chi Chuan and how to “unravel time.” Only Hirokin can unite all the Arid tribes and rebel against Gryphon, although said rebellion consists of about 10 people fighting against Darth Vader/Boba Fett derivatives called Deacons.

This was a very bad movie. The dialog was cobbled together from whatever quote book the writers had in their bookcase, plus every possible cliché they could ever imagine (including the most nonsensical use of the villain saying “You and I are a lot alike” that I’ve ever seen). The fight choreography is less Six-String Samurai and more Zach Snyder speed-up/slow-down, when it occurs. The music shamelessly rips off the score of The Last of the Mohicans. I’m guessing most of the budget was spent on Julian Sands and the CGI hovercraft that reminded me of the one used in Return of the Jedi during the Sarlacc sequence, because the sets are limited and the big rebellion, as stated earlier, had less than a dozen good guys fighting. It’s really one of those movies that you recommend only to people you want to see suffer.