Monster Island (2019) – No, I don’t learn. To cash in on Godzilla, King of the Monsters, The Asylum released this shoddy quickie, with bad acting, cheap SFX, a pointless plot, and Eric Roberts.
Here’s really all you need to know: Roberts’ role is, as usual, a confined cameo (i.e., he’s in one location, communicating with the other characters by phone, — his scenes were probably shot all in one day). It’s never actually stated where the movie takes place, although some glancing references may make the case that it’s somewhere close to New Zealand; in any case, Roberts’ character is referred to as a “general” in the Coast Guard (the U.S. Coast Guard has admirals, not generals, and the New Zealand Coastguard isn’t even a military organization), and his uniform very clearly says “Navy” on the breast (ditto about admirals, not generals, in both the U.S. and New Zealand).
That kind of slipshod attention to detail and/or disrespect for the viewing audience holds through for the whole production. I mean, seriously — could someone have corrected the “kaiju expert” actress who consistently mispronounces it “kaiyu”?
The She-Creature (1956) – This movie steadfastly refuses to make sense. The main horror is supposed to be a past-live-regression thing — a carnival hypnotists can make his beautiful but unwilling assistant relive her past lives, such as in England 400 years ago — but he can also cause her non-human monstrous form to actually materialize separate from her; it wanders out of the ocean and rampages while he has under under hypnosis. I don’t know how any of that’s supposed to work, but maybe that’s why I’m not a master hypnotist with bizarre dominance issues, any why I can’t command the soul of a humanoid crustacean with styrofoam “shell” bits glued to her bodysuit.
Belles on Their Toes (1952) – Aside from the relates-to-nothing stupid title, this is a cute little movie, a direct sequel to 1950’s Cheaper by the Dozen (which I’ve never seen). Twelve children and their widowed mother try to make ends meet via a series of episodic mini-stories; many of the trials come from Mom, an engineer who used to work as a team with her husband, now not being taken seriously as a “lady engineer.”
Oddly, the movie takes place with one foot in “musical universe” — there are a couple of songs out of nowhere, and one sudden dance number, but the rest of the movie is played straight. I’m guessing that some of the older “children” demanded a chance to show off in return for appearing this sequel.
Of note: Jeffrey Hunter (best known to Star Trek fans as Captain Christopher Pike) plays the fresh-scrubbed young doctor who takes a shine to the oldest daughter.
Nothing by The Asylum can be a hard core bad movie compared to Timothy Hines’ H. G. Wells’ The War of the Worlds (2005) which has the distinction of making Anything by The Asylum look better. I didn’t say “look good”, just “look better” compared to Hines’ WotW. Next night when there is nothing else to watch but Something by The Asylum, isn’t there a helpline or support group you could call?
I remember when MST3K riffed The She Creature a movie that scared me as a kid. About the same time, the plot of The Crawling Eye featured a clairovoyant having premonitions. I think there was a Bridey Murphy craze at the the time.
If I am ever caught watching Belles on Their Toes I’ll know now to invoke the Star Trek connection.
Occasionally, Asylum productions can, by happenstance, be enjoyable. Such as… [I had to check their production list on their website to job my memory]…
666: The Child
Alpha Earth
Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies
I Am Omega [fun up until the last half hour]
Sharknado [don’t judge me]
I have steadfastly avoided The War of the Worlds (2005), and will continue to do so.