Iron Monkey (1993) – The titular Iron Monkey is a Robin-Hoodesque kung fu master waging masked wire-fu war after-hours against corrupt government officials; during daylight hours he’s a kindly local doctor who charges only what can be afforded. When another kung fu master-doctor comes to town to take possession of some shipped parcels and gets rounded up in the municipal Iron Monkey search, the local governor makes a deal with him: Catch Iron Monkey, and I’ll free your adolescent son who I’m using as a hostage.
Plenty of good wire-assisted kung fu fights, plus JUSTICE! What more could anyone want?
Terminator: Dark Fate (2019) – Bear with me here, because we all know that there were only two Terminator movies — no other sequels, reboots or TV shows — but I had this fever dream of another Terminator movie, one in which both Linda Hamilton and Arnold Schwarzenegger appear as the old tough versions of themselves in a continuity that leads directly from Terminator II. And even though Sarah and the previous T-101 derailed “Judgment Day” and the rise of SkyNet, the future keeps spawning malevolent A.I.s that keep trying to protect themselves by sending back Terminators (yes, every alternate future calls them that) to kill people or their parents before they’re important.
And this time, the Terminator is… well, pretty much what the T-1000 was, except for three things:
- Instead of turning into liquid metal, it turns into runny tar. Lot more CG rendering that way, you know.
- It actually has a solid endoskeleton, and it can sometimes slough the mimetic tar part off the skeleton part so that it’s TWO Terminators.
- Its default look is a Hispanic guy with freckles and a crooked nose.
There is so much over-the-top video-gamey action that it’s just tedious (especially because I just re-watched Terminator II a week ago, where actual things actually exploded).
It’s a good thing it was only a dream, right?
Chariot (2013) – Seven strangers wake up from a drugged stupor to find themselves alone on a plane, with no cell phones and the cabin door locked. An ensemble thriller like this depends on the quality of the cast, and the performances range from pretty good to effortless.
Of course, there were plenty of “fridge moments” after — “Hey wait, why did this guy do X if it’s later revealed that Y?” — which I can’t even discuss without going into major spoilers.
And the ending was, shall we say, daring.
Abandoned movies:
The Fortress (2017) – It really looks like a good historical epic, but it also looks like it requires more of a grasp of Korean history than I have (i.e., none).
Nemuri Kyoshiro 2: Shobu (1964) – Even MORE soap-operatics in this samurai sequel than in the first one. I know the franchise has another ten entries, but I think I’m done.
Standoff (2016) – I guess I’m just not in the mood to see Laurence Fishburne and Thomas Jane do a violence-flavored dramatic vanity piece.
The Trail (1983) – Maybe in Hong Kong a comedy can start off with trauma. I guess I’m just too American.
Wicked City (1987) – Extradimensional demon stories don’t REALLY need this level of melodrama, do they?
Bigfoot: The Conspiracy (2020) – I couldn’t even take 30 seconds of the bad acting.
Bigfoot vs. The Illuminati (2020) – Yes, I knew what it was going in, but still. The script sounds like it was written by two metalheads on a hashish bender.
Grim (1996) – Thrill to an extended Ouija board scene in which the title of the movie is V-E-R-Y S-L-O-W-L-Y spelled out!
Hydra (2009) – Let’s begin with a display of archaeological acumen so inept that even Indiana Jones would say, “Dudes! Do you even archaeology?”
The Final Project (2016) – a Blair Witchesque found footage film which starts with an anonymous someone whose voice disguiser is dialed so far up that I honestly couldn’t make out what he was saying all through the scene.
Aliens and Agenda 21 (2018) – Don’t let the exciting cover art fool you: It’s just one guy reciting to the camera, interspersed with generic UFO pictures. The most exciting part is the HOLY WTF haircut he sports — part Flock of Seagulls, part mullet, part gravity-defying combover.
Iron Monkey: You probably could have just written “Donnie Yen” and I would be interested.
That said, are you going to use that Chariot poster art to start a new website called “Lousy Movie Posters”? Because, man, that is awful.
Are you kidding? It’s better than a tough guy walking away from an explosion — it’s a WHOLE PLANE flying away from an explosion!
Yeah, but the plane is missing the requisite sunglasses and leather jacket. Not cool enough.
The pilot’s wearing them. Squint.