Deathstalker 2: Duel of the Titans (1987) – We visit again the sword-&-sorcery subgenre called “Completely Unrelated to the Boris Vallejo Poster Art.” The only commonalities between this movie and the first Deathstalker are (1) the protagonist’s name — “Deathstalker” — and (2) the setting, “generic ancient pseudo-European fantasy world.” This time out, instead of a wandering warrior, Deathstalker (now played by John Terlesky) is a cunning and self-confident thief and yes, his name is Deathstalker. He’s roped into helping a deposed-princess-turned-beggar (Monique Gabrielle) against the alchemist-magician who has filled the throne with an exact replica of her.
But here’s the thing: Unlike the turgid seriousness of most sword-and-sorcery movies, the script by Neil Ruttenberg is full of jokes. Most of them don’t land — the bad acting in this movie is no better than the bad acting in every other S&S movie — but it’s definitely an attempt to do something different. Things like:
“I’m Evie”
“Deathstalker.”
“Deathstalker? Is that your first name or last?”
Not exactly splitting the humor atom, I know, but…
And of course, there’s the immortal shot which clearly shows someone’s car parked at the curb next to the Amazon warrior encampment.
Conan the Destroyer (1984) – Sure, may not have the epic “from the cradle” scope of the first one, but it does feel a lot more like one of Robert E. Howard’s stories, and DEFINITELY more like one of the pastiches and sequels by other hands (no mystery there — Roy Thomas, writer of hundreds of Conan the Barbarian comics for Marvel, and Gerry Conway, another Marvel writer with lots of screenplay experience, wrote the first draft of the screenplay). Prophecies, ragtag adventurers, dark gods, helpless princesses, untrustworthy nobles… It’s all the stuff you read the Conan comics for. Plus, Andre the Giant was inside the big Dagoth monster costume at the end, which is where he and Arnold became friends.
But the studio tried to tone it down to “family entertainment” and a PG rating (instead of the first movie’s R), and it didn’t do so well, so Arnold pulled the plug on any more installments. I still think, though, that Arnold needs to make Conan the King as his last feature film before retirement. (And hire Roy Thomas to write it.)
Excalibur (1981) – The story of King Arthur as told by director and co-writer John Boorman (Zardoz, Exorcist 2), which means you’ll be getting something visually beautiful with bizarre lacunae in storytelling between scenes, a plot that wanders off screen and is never seen again, and dialogue that trumpets, “YOU JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND ME BECAUSE I’M SO PROFOUND.”
I mean, halfway through, after the betrayal by Lancelot and Guinevere, Arthur suddenly says, “We must seek the Grail!” with no preamble, and then it’s no longer Arthur’s story anymore; it becomes Parsifal’s (who was only introduced just a bit before that). Did Boorman just assume, “Everyone’s already seen that Monty Python movie so they know what it’s all about”?
This whole thing must be bewildering for someone who comes in not knowing the outlines of the Arthurian myth.
I think my favorite part of the Conan The Destroyer movie was watching that naive young Princess (whose mother evidently didn’t see fit to fill her in on the facts of life, and had to send an assistant along with Conan’s band to ensure her virginity remained intact) discussing how to attract a man and what to do with him once you get him with the “renegade” warrior woman Zula. “Grab him! And take him!” Then Zula refuses to elaborate any further on what comes after that (i.e. that he’ll probably grab you back).
I’m not sure Zula had any problem with a man grabbing her back.
I’m sure she didn’t, but that Princess would probably have been a bit alarmed and upset if she’d ever tried taking Zula’s advice and then discovered what comes next. (Of course, Zula never actually demonstrated this technique herself with any of the men in this movie; guess they weren’t her type.) There’s just something hilarious about her giving advice that effectively boils down to “Just jump his bones, and he’ll help you figure out the rest.”